What's Your Trigger? A Must Read for Parents of Tweens and Teens

It can happen when your teen (or tween) acts snotty, appears entitled or curses in front you. It may be when your child won't put down their cell phone, even when you've asked twice. You get triggered! 

Our children have behaviors that trigger an emotional response in us. Once we flip into reactive mode it doesn't usually turn out very well. We yell or threaten, our teens storm off to slam their doors and once we've had an opportunity to process, we oftentimes feel guilty. 

So how do we start to make changes? Here are a few tips to help you get started:

1. Notice what triggers you and make a list. Some typical triggers for parents can be sibling fighting, entitlement, refusal to do chores and teenage 'attitude'. 

2. Step into acceptance. It's pretty normal to have a 15 year old child with a very messy room. You may not like it, but you can learn to accept that this 'messiness' is all a part of the growing up process. Once you can move into acceptance it becomes much easier to respond instead of react. Parents can reframe and think, this is just where we are right now and I've got to work through it instead of engaging and fighting at every turn. This isn't permissive parenting, this is just giving yourself the space to acknowledge that your kids have arrived at certain developmental milestones and their misbehavior is not a life sentence. 

3. Enact a plan. Avoid triggers by feeling confident in your parenting skills. If you flip out because the kids fight put together a plan with concrete steps to help you start to chip away at their behavior.  Is there a consequence for name calling or mean, sarcastic comments made to a sibling? How will you follow through?

4. Lead with empathy. When the kids 'blow it' and get in trouble be sure to lead with empathy instead of anger. The benefits of empathy are tremendous and help us leave the door open for healthy communication with our teens.

5. Develop a few self calming techniques for yourself. Whether it's deep breathing, a grown up time out or a handful of chocolate covered raisins, discover what helps you to recenter. If you missed your work out for the day or your in the middle of busy season at work be sure to set aside a few minutes to pause before you engage with your teenagers!

The teen years can truly be wonderful if we are able to step back and learn how to respond instead of react. This takes practice, a solid parenting plan and a whole lot of compassion for ourselves as parents.